


because your heart was never mine

by silverkatana



Category: H.O.T. (Band), SECHSKIES (Band)
Genre: Angst, Goodbyes, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-05 22:11:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16375925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverkatana/pseuds/silverkatana
Summary: in which seungho gets married, and jaeduck eventually comes to terms with his feelings.





	because your heart was never mine

**Author's Note:**

> here's to my third published toduck fic, because apparently they're the only ship i ever have plot ideas for. and i'm sorry for never writing anything other than angst but like... yeah i can't write anything other than angst

Jaeduck has always been the first one he’s told everything to. From his upcoming variety show recordings, to his new music releases, to the places he’s visiting with his friends in the public holidays. At some point, he’s even had to stop Heejun from telling him about his wedding, already knowing full well that he’d end up accidentally telling Jaeduck.

 

Jaeduck is used to hearing Seungho telling him everything; even if it doesn’t exactly affect him if Seungho chooses to go to this coffee shop or that with his friends, he appreciates the fact that Seungho trusts him enough to tell him everything before the public knows.

 

Before anyone else knows, in fact.

 

_ Jaeduck-ah, I’m releasing a new mini-album soon. _

 

_ Jaeduck-ah, today I went to Chilhyun’s house. _

 

_ Jaeduck-ah, today I met a really nice girl. _

 

_ Jaeduck-ah, I’m going to be recording for Radio Star tomorrow. _

 

He’s heard it all before, so he’s not surprised when Seungho beckons him into the living room and gives him another shred of information so casually that he almost nods and heads back into his own bedroom.

 

But then his mind catches up with his body and he freezes in his tracks, turning back to face Seungho who’s just staring at him with a bright smile displayed across his lips.

 

_ Jaeduck-ah, I’m getting married. _

 

Jaeduck can’t quite count the number of times Seungho has called him over and began with “Jaeduck-ah”, his tone either coloured with joy or worn down with exhaustion.

 

But the ends to his beginnings never ended with those three words.

 

Not until now, at least.

 

Jaeduck trails his eyes over Seungho’s features. A smile pulls his lips upwards in the most genuine gesture of happiness he’s seen in a while now, the corners of his eyes crinkling, hands clasped together and fingers that drum impatiently against his skin betraying his nervous excitement.

 

“Oh,” Jaeduck says, and the voice that comes out doesn’t sound like his own. It sounds like a crass imitation of what forced happiness would sound like coming from him, and it disgusts him, and he wonders if Seungho can hear the falseness of the saccharine-sweet joy ringing as clearly as he can. “I’m happy for you.”

 

Clearly not, given the way Seungho’s face just lights up even further at Jaeduck’s words. “You’re the first one I’ve told,” he cries excitedly, “Don’t spread it just yet, okay? I’m going to tell the H.O.T members as well, but I don’t think I’m going to announce it publicly just yet.”

 

“Of course,” he promises, but even those two syllables pound hollowly in his head. 

 

Of course. He’s always kept Seungho’s secrets well. 

 

And then his throat burns, and he has to blink away tears that well out of nowhere. Of course he’s kept Seungho’s secrets well. Of course he’s kept those secrets, the secrets that ease across in sleepless nights against the backdrop of twilight skies, earnest promises made between just the two of them, the secrets that spill out in drunken hazes in winter evenings when they have nothing to do but drink, words woven between too many sips of too much wine.

 

Ah, fuck.

 

Now his mind fails him, and he stumbles to his room like some sort of fool, Edworld following along with a languid curiosity; he briefly registers the fact that Seungho doesn’t even notice before slamming the door behind him and collapsing onto the ground - which Edworld uses as an opportunity to trot over to him and curl up against him.

 

He holds Edworld close to him, and the dog looks up at him, and all of a sudden he’s reminded of every moment that they’ve jokingly called the dogs their kids, with him bearing the role of the mother and Seungho the father, and he feels like slamming his head into a wall as the emotions surface and overwhelm him in the form of a muted cry filtering through his lips and tears that prick at the corners of his eyes.

 

“What do I do, Edworld-ah?” he whispers, wiping away the beads of moisture that accumulate in streaks along his cheeks. “He’s getting married.”

 

Saying it out loud only makes the reality more painfully clear to him.

 

_ He’s getting married. _

 

He misses them.

 

Of course, if he said something like that and Seungho heard him, he’d say that Jaeduck was being completely ridiculous;  _ “Just because I’m getting married doesn’t mean I’m being stolen away from you!” he’d claim _ ; but in the impossibly frigid autumn evening, crumpled into barely more than a mess of limbs and a fragmented mind on the floor, he comes to the realisation that he’s falling apart faster than he can hope to pick the pieces up.

 

The claims that they’ve barely touched each other, the insistence that they just shared a close friendship, the eventual acceptance that they were soulmates; perhaps it was only true on one side. 

 

Too many nights have passed where he’s longed to reach out to brush Seungho’s skin, too many nights where he’s lain in sleepless contemplations over whether their friendship could ever be anything past friendship; too many winter evenings with abandoned silhouettes of wine glasses half-filled against too-bright lights of their home bar, with Jaeduck barely able to walk on his own two feet and Seungho knocked out cold on the sofa - too many winter evenings filled with drunken slumbers and passing outs on the sofa and Jaeduck staring down at Seungho’s eyes, nose, lips, committing every detail to memory, briefly wondering in his mind what would happen if he just leaned down for the fragment of a second to kiss him.

 

He misses Seungho already, even if the man is just a door and a few metres away from him.

 

Jaeduck inhales sharply, and he’s overcome with a sense of desperation that renders it difficult for him to breathe. He wants Seungho, he needs Seungho, he misses Seungho, he pines for all the cold winter evenings sat at their bar with fingers wrapped around clear glass half-filled with deep garnet shades of liquid, he longs for summer mornings that start with rolling out of bed and complaining to one another about the hot weather because god, starting the day with a conversation with Seungho is quite possibly the best morning routine he’s ever known, he misses the autumn dusks where they just sit together in the comforting silence of one another’s presence, he yearns for the spring afternoons where they go out to coffee shops on impulse and tell each other the most stupid jokes they’ve ever known and laugh till the shopkeeper looks at them as though they’ve gone insane.

 

His heart aches for An Seungho.

 

He’s suppressed the urge to leave kisses along Seungho’s skin for so long; along the corners of his lips that curve upwards in laughter, along his neck or the smooth slope of his shoulders that lie exposed when his sleeves fall loosely downwards as he collapses into the comfort of the sofa. He doesn’t know how many times he’s been halfway through a cup of coffee and felt the need to tell Seungho  _ “I really want to kiss you right now.” _

 

There’s been those times when his mind’s partially screwed over with alcohol and he’s leaning so close to Seungho he can count every eyelash and memorise even the tiniest of details written across Seungho’s face. There’s been those times he’s resorted to draping a spare blanket over Seungho’s unconscious form knowing it would be impossible to get him to his room, those times when his hands brush Seungho’s skin as he lowers the blanket and his face is so close to Seungho’s his heart stops beating in his chest and he wonders if he could just lower it a little more and land just a soft little kiss on Seungho’s forehead.

 

And there’s been those times when his logic manages to win over the alcohol and he backs away from Seungho before he can begin to stare at him for too long again, and when he lowers the blanket as quickly as he can and heads back to his own room before his foolish heart can begin leaping about in his chest faster than a teenage girl’s in love with her first crush. 

 

This is one of those times. 

 

What he feels can only be described as his heart bursting in his chest, because he eventually comes to the realisation that his chances to appease his heart have finally dwindled to a zero, because now Seungho is getting married, and a Seungho who gives his heart to someone else just  _ isn’t enough _ . 

 

Jaeduck comes to accept the fact that Seungho’s heart doesn’t belong to him anymore.

 

_ No -  _

 

_ It never has. _

 

He should have kissed Seungho while he had the chance.

 

Even if it was a cold lonely winter night, even if it was just a faint brush of his lips against Seungho’s forehead, even if Seungho was out in drunken sleep and would never be aware.

 

_ Or perhaps he should have known. _

 

Maybe he should have expected that one day Seungho’s little secrets, told to him before anyone else in the whole world, would amount to this.

 

Jaeduck-ah, I’m releasing a new single.

 

Jaeduck-ah, I’m going on a date.

 

Jaeduck-ah, I’m getting married.

  
  
  
  


“How are you feeling?” Suwon asks, and he does a double take, briefly taking his eyes off the grand setting of the venue and turning towards his long-time groupmate and close friend.

 

“What do you mean?” he queries absentmindedly, “Why are you asking me?”

 

Suwon raises an eyebrow. “You know what I mean.”

 

A sigh trembles past his lips. “I’m fine,” he says, and he catches himself sincerely hoping that he means it. “I’m happy for him.”

 

Seungho is there, a smile brightening his features, dressed neatly in a freshly-ironed black suit with styled hair and a look of anxious enthusiasm scrawled too-clearly across every small fidgety movement of his. His bride is right across from him, looking absolutely radiant in her all-white gown, and her two rows of perfectly-straight white teeth are revealed as she beams right back at Seungho.

 

He’s getting married.

 

Vows are exchanged, and Seungho moves forward, and the next thing Jaeduck knows the bride and groom have their lips locked and the parents are wrapped up in floods of tears in the front row. Even some of Seungho’s friends are dabbing at their tears - Chilhyun is an emotional mess - and Jaeduck feels familiar moisture surfacing in his eyes as well; at this point he’s not sure if it’s a twisted bitterness or if it’s genuine happiness for the one he’s come to recognise as his soulmate.

 

Jaeduck watches Seungho.

 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Suwon asks, and even Jaejin peeks over with a somewhat concerned expression. Apparently his feelings for Seungho had been more transparent than he thought.

 

_ “I’m okay” _ gets caught in his throat, and he hesitates for a little too long before he settles on, “I have to be.”

 

Jaeduck was always in front, and Seungho always came to his side one way or another a little later. They met in the army, with Jaeduck enlisting first and Seungho joining later. And then Jaeduck got busy with Sechskies’ comeback, and later on Seungho joined his side once again as an active idol after his own group’s comeback.

 

But this time - this time, it’s different in more ways than Jaeduck knows.

 

This time, there’s no catching up to be done. This time, there’s no running to anyone’s side. 

 

This time, Jaeduck stops the greetings and learns how to say goodbye.

 

There’ll be no more drunken winter evenings, laughter-filled spring afternoons, bright summer mornings, or sentimental autumn nights.

 

There’ll be no more of  _ I wish I could kiss him _ , of memorising every little detail on his face, of smiling at him for reasons he can’t explain, of enjoying every moment spent with him.

 

Seungho turns, his fingers interlaced with his wife’s, and Jaeduck loses his breath for a moment because god, he looks positively stunning. 

 

He looks resplendent, casted in the soft glow of wedding lights, and the way pure content joy radiates off him in waves breaks down the lingering shreds of bittersweet selfishness that cling to Jaeduck.

 

“Jaeduck-ah,” Seungho greets as they near, and Jaeduck feels his face breaking out into a smile.

 

It’s real this time, and he’s glad.

 

_ Ah. _

 

_ I still want to kiss you. _

 

He bows to greet Seungho’s wife, who makes a similar gesture back.

 

_ But now I can’t. _

 

_ So please treat him well. _

 

They chat for a short while before the newlywed couple makes their way over to a group of other friends, and Jaeduck hurries to compose himself, choking down the sudden swell of emotion that threatens to burn the back of his throat.

 

This time, Jaeduck says goodbye to Seungho.


End file.
